A Dog's Note to a Therapist

Found in my dog’s crate and transcribed on July 5th, 2023

Topic 1: The Flashy Sky Monsters

Dear therapist, let's start with the big one. Yesterday, my world turned into a scene from a doggie disaster movie. Those flashy sky monsters with their booming voices invaded my safe space! I mean, seriously, who authorized this canine-terrifying extravaganza? I demand answers, treats, and sleeping with my human!

Topic 2: “People Food”

I need to address the gaslighting I endured, therapist. The air was filled with the mouthwatering scent of grilled meats and tantalizing treats. But, instead of getting my paws on those juicy items that my ancestors survived and thrived on, I heard my human discussing if I would have potty issues eating “human food.” EXCUSE ME? God made that food for me and my kind, human food is what humans at Purina make and all I got was that brown kibble. Talk about doggy deception! They are literally eating stuff off of bones and I get a vegan diet? I have trust issues now.

Topic 3: Fashion Catastrophe

Therapist, let's not ignore the fashion crisis that unfolded yesterday. My humans, in their misplaced patriotism, thought it would be hilarious to dress me up in a red, white, and blue outfit that has me scarred and doesn’t match my breed’s country of origin. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without slowly wagging my tail and hanging my head in embarrassment.

Topic 4: The Great Escape

Yesterday, I channeled my inner Houdini and escaped from the clutches of my humans. The moment I heard the first firework explosion, I bolted for the hills. The sheer panic and the adrenaline rush of running like the wind were simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. How does one work on impulse control, therapist? Asking for a friend.

Topic 5: Prescription refill

Doc, I know it’s probably too soon, but I need a refill on my prescription; I’m all out of tennis balls. Also, the furry creature you prescribed for my anxiety no longer squeaks. It happened right after I tore its head open and chewed up the plastic bubble thing I could feel through its fur. I don’t think there is a correlation. My human will cover my co-pays.

Thank you for working my appointment into your calendar. Is there a country that outlaws all fireworks and has a good smelling path there from my house?

Again, asking for a friend.