Imagine you get a job where you know nothing. You’re relying on your managers to show you the ropes so you don’t get overwhelmed; so the job doesn’t drown you. But after a while you notice that another employee (#2) who’s been there longer than you is getting all the managers’ attention because employee #2 is really struggling. So you keep doing what you’re doing even if you don’t know if it’s right.
Finally, employee #2 is on the right track and everything seems great to your managers. But now you start thinking about all the time they spent with him and not you. You start getting resentful. A manager comes over and scolds you for doing something wrong, and you snap back something like “oh, so now you notice I still work here?” or “well how was I supposed to know, I had to train myself!” And so there you are, thinking for yourself even if it’s wrong, thinking that only you have the right answers because no one had the time to help you as you were learning the job.
Many times when parents focus on an older child having extraordinary behavioral, physical, or emotional needs, a younger child can feel abandoned. They learn that the only way mom and dad pay attention is when there’s an extraordinary problem. So children become involuntary experts at breaking themselves to get the love and attention they need. As the old saying goes, “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
Life is a job; kids are new hires and parents are managers. The parent that lets their kids train themselves are going to have big problems when the teen years hit. So what to do as a manager (parent) when you’ve spent all your time on a special needs child and now your younger (former angel) child is starting to act out?
1. Take responsibility.
Forget what pop psychology tells you, it probably IS your fault. Is it really up to a child between the years of 8-12 to tell you that her needs as an apprentice human being aren’t being met? Have you ever had a boss come to you when they didn’t have to and say, “I messed up. It’s on me and you’ve had to suffer as an employee because of my decision. I’m sorry”? Didn’t that feel great? Didn’t your boss regain some respect because of it?
2. Do something RADICAL about it.
Start to love your ‘forgotten’ child RADICALLY. Go to him/her and say, “I need your forgiveness and your help. I need to become a better father/mother. Yes I know you’re only going to be here in the house until you’re 18 or so, but I’m going to be your mother/father long after that, so you investing in this process could really pay dividends in the future. Can we meet three times a week and I’ll hire you as my parenting consultant? This isn’t about you making the rules of the house, but helping me show my love for you in how I spend time, communicate, and show my love for you.” Ask them for their input on YOU and start to study the love chapter together in 1st Corinthians 13 (or our books God Guy & God Girl).
Think about it. The best way a manager can improve morale is not by throwing a party once a month, but by involving his employees in the decision-making, direction, and vision of the business. Create an environment where the employees can buy in instead of them just punching in, getting a paycheck, and waiting for something better to come along.
A know-it-all kid does not grow out of the ground. He either grows from another know-it-all or a not-at-all (around) parent. Whichever it is, change the parent and you change the child.
